My Eating Disorder Has Bipolar

Epiphanies are such lovely moments that if realized and materialized can indeed be life changing. Today I finished what was started on Monday when I went to a therapist who specializes in eating disorders. I asked the Universe and even declared on Facebook my intent of gaining tools and not long term talk therapy I have always found of little use at all. Well it’s exactly what I received and yet has taken nearly a week to work out the kinks.

So me being me and not at all conventional took the advice of the therapist literally and if that is not what she meant, well she told the wrong girl to think of her eating disorder not as a part of her (this is dangerous), but as an entity separate and whole from her. Give it a face, a body, a name...and so I did.

I had just a few days before Monday watched the cartoon movie Rise of the Guardians. Which is odd in and of itself since I only watch such films with kids about and have never done so alone, in my basement, and in a not so good mind space. I asked myself often, “what the fuck are you watching this for?” but ignored the question as I laid there like the sloth beast I can be, not caring enough to change the channel. However late Monday night after pondering what the therapist had said, it came clear to me why the fuck I did indeed watch that movie. Her name is Cupcake.

She is a large boyish girl in a tutu who is for a minute or so in the film, a rather unhappy girl. But Jack Frost sends her a magical snowball to the face and is transformed into a happy girl who plays with the other children rather than beating them to a bloody pulp. Or that is how I saw the way her character could have gone, but this is a kid film, not a Michelle film, so no blood. As you can see Cupcake from the movie and Michelle in the 5th grade, well there is some resemblance.

Now I was not a fat girl, I was a big girl. Being half Swedish I looked more football player than dancer, even though I was never good at sports, and actually a good dancer. Which in my twisted mind, makes the tutu fit. And so Cupcake becomes the imagery for my eating disorder...a disgruntled girl who looks like a boy and because of her size, intimidating, but really is kind hearted and innocent.

The rest of my week I start to converse with Cupcake when I wanted more food than was necessary, for which she would pout, and I admit to caving more often than not. This yesterday led to a rather large binge leaving me discouraged and witless as to how this was going to work. Today being what it is, a new beginning. Me not being one to not seize opportunity, communed with cigs, the sun, a very green smoothie and Tori Amos when above mentioned epiphany hit me straight to the…heart.

Earlier this morning I reposted on Facebook a bit about the heart chakra in various forms of dysfunction and was impressed how accurate it was and that I indeed had freed me from a good deal of said symptoms of a closed and or out of balance heart. So when I’m sitting there having a convo with the Sun and listening to Tori, I realize suddenly that the problem with Cupcake is that she is not ‘dark’ enough to be MY eating disorder and yet she fits so well at the same time! I’m running a conversation in my head that leads me right to the perfect imagery. She is not nasty enough to say “FEED ME” carnivorously, Seymour from Little Shop of Horrors is!

Seymour is the dark aspect of my eating disorder and Cupcake is the softer cuter side of it. She is me as a little girl wanting to fit in and Seymour is the end result of wanting to feed the big fucking gaping hole where mother should be.  Then Tori starts to sing Upside Down.

My head swims and my heart opens up (like the Queen Anne Lace flowers I’m starting at) even more because I know I once again found my answers with a tool from a third party and of course…its fucking polarized.

Cue Tori with Crucify.  Yes indeed “… my heart is sick of being in chains”.