Osho Says!

New Vision

When you open up to the ultimate, immediately it pours into you. You are no longer an ordinary human being – you have transcended. Your insight has become the insight of the whole existence. Now you are no longer separate – you have found your roots. Otherwise, ordinarily, everybody is moving without roots, not knowing from where their heart goes on receiving energy, not knowing who goes on breathing in them, not know the life juice that is running inside them.

It is not the body, it is not the mind – it is something transcendental to all duality, that is called bhagavat – the bhagavat in the ten directions…

Your inner being, when it opens, first experiences two directions: the height, the depth. And then slowly, slowly, as this becomes your established situation, you start looking around, spreading into all other eight directions.

And once you have attained to the point where your height and your depth meet, then you can look around to the very circumference of the universe. Then your consciousness starts unfolding in all then directions, but the roast has been one.

Friday List

Skin tag: Gone with not so much of a drop of blood and only a wee spot of pain! In the end it let go without the big fuss I predicted. Thanks skin tag!

Eating: Still not great, but not so bad either. Proud I am that I’ve nearly consumed no candy this Samhain season. Amazing for me and what sets off the sugar/carb intensive eating I do every fall/winter. So there is hope.

Sleeping: A lot!!! I’m sleepy most of the time, no staying up till the middle of the night and since I’m dreaming…that means I’m in REM sleep! Michelle said that once I’m in alignment to my higher self, that my alpha/delta sleep weirdness would align as well. Though I must admit to staying up when I likely could have slept. My bad.

Exercise: not so awesome, but today I shall get back to it. I’m going down into Terri’s underworld of a room in search of my 30 min yoga DVD. Wish me luck!

In General: I feel grateful for the support I have. Finding a way out of the house, to the shoppe and seek assistance has been a major step for me and one again that I am so grateful for. And yes, I get a big ole pat on the back for seeking assistance since it is so clearly…not my thing.

A Painful Exorcism

It was time, it had to go. There so long that I became accustomed to its large bulbous head hanging off my neck like it had a right to be there. But it was wrong.

I set to a process that started off with painfully pinching the hot air balloon shaped skin tag. It of course fought back with redness, weeping and an almost infection. But I continued, I was not to give up just because of a little pain and infection.

Fast forward a few days and we have inched forward to the stage of a dying skin tag that needs time to let go wholly. The tip is dried up like a shrunken head of a scab. The base red and angry, in the beginning stages of mourning.

The final process for the skin tag will to fall off in defeat with the base retaliating with blood and pain. I figure that’s what Neosporin and band aides are for.

The process of mourning will end for the base with leaving a scar just begging to be noticed and asked, “What happened there?”

Sunday Check List

Eating: badly.

Playing with grandkids: indeed.

Staying grounded: like a rock...a rolling rock.

Exercising: every few days.

Sleeping: badly times infinity.

Have more coffee: don't mind if I do.

I AM the Moon and the Sun

The moon called and listened. I sat in her light as I chanted my armor calling. I am protected from harm, my empathy stays with me. It is of my choosing when to relate, to reach out, to empathize.

 

These are aspects of the psychic armor I am creating, a protection from others and myself. My empathic ability has been a detriment and must end now.

Definition of Reflect:

1.  Send something back: transitive and intransitive verb to redirect something that strikes a surface, especially light, sound, or heat, usually back toward its point of origin
The Moon reflects light from the Sun toward the Earth.

2.  Show mirror image of somebody or something: transitive and intransitive verb to show a reverse image of somebody or something on a mirror or other reflective surface

Definition of Deflect: 

1. Change course: transitive and intransitive verb to change course because of hitting something, or change something's course by coming into contact with it
The pitcher's arm deflected the ball into the outfield.

2. Direct attention away: transitive verb to direct people's attention or criticism away from a subject or issue to something else

3. Force alteration of plans: Transitive verb to force somebody to change what he or she is doing or planning to do

Crampy Angst

I HAD candy last night. I totally forgot, only it was chocolate and it left me nauseas. I guess only caramels can achieve that gratification I seek.

Tonight’s sleeplessness is brought on by music and cramps. I kept waking up stretching and moving as though awake by way of the music I was listening to. Which, at the moment I cannot recall. Finally now at 2:30 am I give you the charade of sleep and wonder if there are old movies of interest on.

My sudden interest in old black and whites is odd but makes sense when you realize my interest in vintage clothes, house wares, and the what not. Films of the same eras might be pulling me for that reason, or it’s just a part of my transformation.

Eating has been a challenge, as in eating too much. Hormones are to blame, but I hate that I seem powerless over something we do NOT need to do. Yes eat, not over eat. I feel so determined that I know I will get back on track once the blood flows. Till then I am just a cranky “gimme candy” girl.

I wrote a title page for the book. That’s progress, right?

What I have failed to accomplish is my armor. I’ve had ideas but they fall short or just fail in general. I do want to manage this; I just seem lost as to how. Feels like this Blood Moon and the Samhain the following week are still days to be utilized for great work that will release the bullshit that is keeping me from writing beyond the title page. I know there are steps of magic I must take in order to be both free and protected against the memories and my empathically deciding my feelings based upon those negatives.

Speaking of which, there is a whole other post that I will write tomorrow about my experience for the first time at Reiki circle. As per usual, I had experiences which just made me feel awfully self absorbed. Though that was NOT my intent, it would seem that the future of how I “read” now has materialized.

I feel grogginess coming on, I must take advantage of the wave for fear of missing it. And I would love to see the enormous bags under my eyes abate.

I hear the drums calling me...

We are about rhythms…cycles. This is my time to align with Death and start our story. Besides, Death is withholding sleep from me (like a woman withholding sex) till I start to write.

I now know how to start my story. I know how to bring it down to earth via humor and science and a wee bit of reality. I will weave a thread through the mundane, the extreme…the fiction into a tapestry. A memoir.

When to start? Now you say? I say naw. I say Samhain is in 16 days and is far too timely to ignore. I have a lump of guilt stuck in my chest that I must release. I must manifest shields in regards to my gift/curse as empath, that has been found to be stealthy, stealing into my communications. I need see via my own filters, not whom ever I am communicating with. My guilt has riddled me with holes that I wish to fill with my intent for a future of my own making.

Practice makes perfect in regards to shields against insidious guilt laying about in my mind. When I ponder what my mother, what my sons…even Terri may say about my book, I start to feel from them my failure to succeed, which downgrades what was my absolute knowing that I will attain success.

I recently met two women that have said my future is that of a Star, that f I were to get out of my own way, I would need to get used to attention on the level of celebrity. My initial response is to dismiss the idea via bashfulness….ah-shucks. Or, I simply act in disbelieve. This is my lie. I know who I am, I just refuse to take my post.

Am I afraid because I have empathically taken on my loved ones view of me being a failure? My suicidal ideology spirals with voices whispering: I have no job (failure), no home of my own (failure), I start new pie in the sky like ideals of me that I soon lose interest in (failure). Into the mix comes shame over the likely loss of my temper and my going for the verbal jugular (failure). The list is endless as to the ways this empathic sludge has bled into my world view.

I have 16 days. I have much work to do. And I really have to stop eating Pez candy.

I lovers me some lists

Goal: to write every single frakkin day! It can be babbly bullshit making no sense to even me. It matters not. Time to leave my brain to spin about on its own for a while. There is only so much visualization one can do before it becomes an amusement park like fantasy. You then have stepped into avoidance land which can be akin to stepping into the mists and be lost for a decade even though it’s felt a day to you.

Narrative: Frak if I know. So need to talk to Hannah. It’s complicated and I seriously have no clue.

Eating: well this is easy and not so easy…do what you were doing before. Just because I cannot dance does not mean that my world of movement has to come to a whiplash halt. The dark time of the year is very difficult for me in many ways, but not more felt is the slow down in my activity level and the shift in foods I crave. The family wants baked mac and cheese and well so do I. Eating bread just two days ago is being felt still. I just wanted tea and toast and though I have super duper wheat bread, anything in excess can become “bad” for you. As for movement, see below.

Cleanse day: that would be today.

Water: have started to believe the doctor that there’s such a thing as too much. So I have found a happy balance between water and Gatorade. In this practice I started to have this filmy substance in my mouth that I started to wonder about. As it turns out, it’s saliva.

Working out: time to get over my issues about working out in Terri’s bedroom. I see no sense to paying for a gym when all I really like to do there is walk the ole treadmill, which we own, in Terri’s bedroom. She also has weights and some of my yoga stuff that need to come into my bedroom/gym. Terri seems to have many things that do not belong. Jeez, has she not heard that

Sesame Street

song?

Family: Letting go of guilt over not being close to my sons and my grandchild is now on the agenda as I let it sink in deep that this cannot be my focus. I have an uncertain future that both excites and terrifies my waking hours. This home we live in has allowed me to be a grand granny when my grandkids visit. The house possesses cupboards and stowed away plastic bins full of toys and activities just for them. A motor home will not possess such ample cupboards. This is a serious option for me after we sell this house and Fae is off to college. The word renaissance is seeping into my vocabulary. This, my renaissance period will not likely fit into every ones expectations of me, but so far I find they don’t fit into mine either.

Cutted but did not pasted from last night...is getting senile

I’m feeling a bit low over the last few days since my hip has been injured pretty badly. Not being able to dance has led to self destructive choices in regards to food, and so goes that pattern. I feel stuck and bloated. So perhaps I’m constipated in the mind.

The pain is less today so I started this evening (out of guilt for eating a hamburger) doing sit ups on the bed and exercises on my arms and so forth. Movement is movement? Right?

I just am so angry that my very sweet and caring massage therapist hurt me. I should have said something, but then again I had no idea that it was going to hurt this bad later. I am flexible and it seemed painful but within reason. Now I know better. Telling her would only cause her pain for which I see no purpose, I will however let her know that my legs were unhappy being bent about like that.

Bread is bad…do you hear that Michelle…BREAD IS BAD!!!

Readings, Healings, and Massages....OH MY!

Soon to be off to the Healing Hearts Psychic Fair!! I intend on partaking of many services and seeing wonderful friends at the same time! Oh and I get my massage late afternoon….really feeling blessed and pampered.

Healing is my thing today. Wonder what my thing will be tomorrow. Praps Halloween/Samhain decor deployment! Oh and me thinks it time to take the plunge and color my hair with the henna that has been sitting there patiently awaiting me.

Let the healing/tranformation begin!

Connecting is a good thing...

Today was a good day. Both my friends Linda and Jen had their birthdays. I hope they felt the love and energy I had for them. I also was able to get a kickass deal on a fany pedicure, facial, with a beverage at a nail salon I have been very interested in going to. Groupon.com is the shit!

Today I met someone that I felt instantly connected to on top of yummy indulgent pampering goodness. Not since I met Linda some year and half ago that I sensed this kind of kinship. Her name is Michelle and how she does her readings is so fascinating to me. To be honest when I heard that she did drawings of angels I did my judgmental dismal thing that I do, but in meeting her I found her to be down to earth, kind and amazingly insightful. I have made an appt for my reading next week!!

 I have met two women that do readings at the shoppe where I did once read myself, but they are truly gifted readers and I feel a connection to them both. Hannah is the other reader and a writer, oh and so is Michelle! We seem to be in a similar place in our lives and we are all truly connected to “source”. I honestly think this is meaningful and I have to ponder how Ally (the tarot boss at the shoppe) found such talented women to be available to really help people.

Do I feel bad that I was basically fired? No I do not. I think my time of reading tarot is over. My time of becoming the idyllic Michelle is upon me.

This is what I will make so.

Today Michelle asked if I had specifically informed the Universe/Source for what I wanted in a mate. I have not. She suggested that I dream up my dream lover in intricate detail. I once asked Apollo to bring me my soulmate and he brought me Terri. I know she is a soulmate of a sort, but clearly is not the Sun to my Moon and that’s what I want. The Sun…Apollo personified.

I will work on the details as I work on writing the book. Today I feel like it’s the real deal and I have wonderful women around me that I can turn to for advice and ideas!

Today was a good health day as I ate very sensibly and I feel much lighter…much cleaner. I swear the shoppe can cure what ails me. I did not feel well before I left the house which contributed to my leaving much later than intended. Once I arrived, it all washed away. I of course became far babblier than I like of me due to the energy of such a magical place. I need to work on less talk and more listen.

I made an appt to see my doc to talk test results and about my hip as it is hampering my dancing. Today it hurt without my even dancing a tiny bit. Makes me all scared and shit. I also am feeling a slight drain in physical energy in general; again this scares the shit out of me. My sweet Linda is going to work her Reiki Magic on me. I also know that with my steadfast intent to live my true path in all ways, I will be healed via magic. I need to keep moving in these deep magical ways that make me feel like a woman connected to a deep well of feminine magic. I know that sounds a wee bit silly, but I can actually visualize a well that I am descending into, like descending into myself.

Too much activity swirling and firing about my neurotransmitters of late. I feel like energy is pouring through me in waves far more than the norm…I need a release. OK…I NEED sex!!!!

I think I shall end on that note. Though it might have been unwise to download the Nine Inch Nails song Closer…you know the “I want to fuck you like an animal” song.

Poor judgment is my thing just as much as death is.

Word.

New Moon -- Office Cleanse -- Body Cleanse

New moon, new beginnings, and newly arranged office. Winds are blowing the sun has disappeared, a sure sign rain is soon to follow. A roast is slow cooking for French dip dinner tonight which will become soup tomorrow. Comfort food is hard to beg off so I can only add lots of fresh food to my meal to make up for the white rolls that are a part of our meal.

Dancing is not happening today because my hip is seriously being a beeeeotch! Ibuprofen and ice are not working as well as it had and within a few mins of dancing I was in pain. So I’m calling for an appt and have started other forms of exercise…like putting my office back together. Ok that’s not exercise. I have however started to do more yoga and just plain ole fashioned toning type stuffs.

My office has gone through three transformations and this is by far my favorite. I brought in objects from around the house to fancy up the place a bit. All of my pagan books are in here now which makes me feel better about the dark bookcases they sat glaringly bright in. Brought a plant in which can only improve the Feng Shui or really the lack of chi in general. It is a very tiny space!

I must say that my office would have sat here all stangant and shit had it not been for Jennifer coming over, bringing pot cookies and gutting the space so I could go through things. Once someone else gets something started for...I will likely follow through with the rest. I'm lazy like that.

That was this morning, this is tonight...

I feel very sluggish with lessoned learned about Safeway Baked Potato Soup I had at lunch. Just so NO! It landed in my stomach like sludge from the bottom of  a pond causing disturbing bloating and even nastier after effects. Not sure what's in that soup, but it's all wrong. I ate a large salad in an attempt to make the french roll at dinner I ate seem less "bad" for me...this was a total fail. Still bloated and feeling ill.

Me thinks it's time for a good cleanse. Pick a day to drink water and little food stuffs.

Intent IS Everything

My first post for this blog is a poem from The Goddess Oracle, a set of oracle cards with nothing but wonderful Goddesses that I use as guides. I decided to pull a card today to see what the Goddesses had to say to me, it was timely in many ways. I just recently wrote on Facebook that I am ready to emerge from my chrysalis state and join the human race…already in progress.

This blog is intended to be where I note my transformation in body and expression. I have started the journey to wellness many times, but now I am finally living what I have only managed to attempt in the past.

The transformation of body started with slight movement’s healthier food and now has moved into belly dancing and a great deal of less food! For the most part have no idea what I’m doing or if I’m doing it correctly, honestly I could care less. I personally think I’m a fantastic dancer!

As I cut the new me out of all this flesh I have found hidden damage from the years of being morbidly obese. But this is what ice and ibuprofen is for. My skeleton is not all that pleased with my distinct rhythmic movements. My body will just have to deal, because I refuse to stop moving.

My expression comes in the form of writing a book, actually a memoir. I have finally found a way to write the many stories of me in a fashion that does not invoke overwhelming shame. If my shame provokes a connection with others in similar situations, than it will be worth exposing myself without the benefit of a trench coat.

I realize I’m not done with this transformation into healthy kickass published author Michelle yet I sense that freedom is just within reach. I know my intention is true, true enough to manifest what I most need, and what I most desire.

I wrote this the other day and I shall add it to this post…

So I am down to 272, knowing I am likely 4 lbs officially more than that, but it's still a good number to see and as long as I still keep in mind that reality, I'm fine with it. Oh and I am bleeding again! When was the last time I cycled for real, like a real girl? I honestly have no memory.

I am finding some super scary sagging in my back, instead of getting thinner, I’m deflating! The more I look at my body the more grateful I am for Spandex! I have to get wealthy...I just HAVE to! Plastic surgery is VERY expensive. FRAK!!

Here is what to expect from me…from this blog. Expect much profanity; I am very comfortable with the word fuck. I actually enjoy the word and use it abundantly. Expect great swings in mood as I have bipolar and the pendulum swings without any need of a trigger. Expect babbly posts that make no sense, perhaps brilliant ones that do, and everything in-between. I expect to use this blog to mark the progress of perhaps my grandest transformation. I know how grandiose that sounds but I really don’t give a shit.

So I hope this sums up my purpose, let us hope I keep it updated often. and fill it with words strung together well! Hmm…not sure that was a proper sentence at all. So I guess expect poor grammar as well!

Toodles for now…

In the beginning...

Morgan Le Fae

Rhythms

When I dance with life

I dance my own rhythm

I keep my own time

My soul’s tides aligned

And flow

With my beat: my own unique expression

By honoring myself

I honor all

When you dance with life

What’s your rhythm

Is it quick or slow

Lively or liturgical

Repetitious or even-changing

Do you let the tempo serve you

Unnerve you

Soothe you

Or seethe you

Mettle you

Or unsettle you

Do you know?