Jana came over on Tuesday for lunch and pedicures! But first
before we left she gave me an amazing amethyst pendent. I’ve not taken it off
since. The hospital will not let me wear it before surgery but at some point
after, it could be put it back on. My intention is to have an altar of crystals
(I will be imbuing intent into those crystals that I take with me) somewhere in
my room so if anything, it can be there or in a small pouch I can hold next to
my bed on that tray table thingy.
The new pendant is helping by bringing me back to center. I
do not do well at staying there, but reminds me to look to my guardian; he will
not let anything happen to me. I have to believe that I avoided some sort of something
by not having surgery this last Monday. I see no lesson in this, not that would
not be some sort of practice in patience in the face of delay. But I've been
dealing with that very well for quite awhile now. This is in part why this surgery
is so important, it’s a physical rebirth and I am READY to live a new life to
match the new ME!
I just have to let go and let it be…but I am restless, so restless.
In some perverse way I'm looking forward to the pain and sedation, just to free
me from these relentless rampant thoughts. I know…I have issues. Fuck I hate
feeling this weak, I’ve worked too fucking hard to be all fucking Zen to let it
fall apart now. This is about being ready to go...I am motivated and keep
getting the hand upon my head. This has been the case for YEARS now. For every
physical victory, I've ended up injured and or insane. Chasing my tail, well
this I’m fucking done with. Mind you this is much improved from the old me, but
I feel it seeping into my psyche and this I will not fucking allow! There is loving
peace and I get it, but there is also the peaceful warrior who fights for what
they want because there is NO other way for them, for me. I was never going to
be anything but what I am.
I am the Dark
Messenger but also I am the Diamond Warrior. The ladder came recently in a
healing session from my friend Jana. It is still unclear to me what it means to
be such, but I am indeed a warrior, always have been. I understand the code and
know for a fact I would die in defense of another, again I know NO other way. Time
to live the code, not just speak of it and a new body is necessary for this.
The energy for this healing will be like a domino effect falling through the
shapes of a magical mandala so big it can only be seen from above. This is the
higher work happening for me without my aid, but by those guides and beings
that can see the mandala in its entirety. Perhaps they created it.
As I write this I know it to be true and am comforted in a way
that no human being could have offered.
Breathing now….
