Blue Moon Lunacy

I’ve never seen the Blue Moon as being melancholy, but this Blue Moon energy has been kicking my ass and the ass of others in my circle of friends/family. Painful memories have been on the rise within me since December when I really started to delve deep into my origin story for my book. I'm not sure a day has gone by when I've not cried for all that has been, but in the last few days I've been given opportunity to cry cleansing tears due to old wounds being on the of mending side of things. Better place to be than to hold close ancient pain and allowing it to beat me like the submissive that I am not. I am grateful for the opportunity to reconcile with my loved one and am glad to not be missing him anymore.

But still I hear the Joker heckling in my ear “this town needs an enema!” and I will agree that I need a good cleanse; only I would prefer to do so via the nekkid lady spa in mugwort scented pools than water up my arse. I’ve never gone to the spa with intent before. I mean yes, I intended to cleanse my body but not with such a pointed objective as to release a this or a that.

Sweat, soak, and scrub away what ails, then off to my writing retreat at Shakti Cove on the 9^th. Whatever residual icks that linger about will be left at sea. I will be calling Ina my mom’s long dead partner and original owner of Shakti Cove to help me in my endeavor to write my book in those five days. I mean shit, it is MY story after all! Still, I think paranormal assistance may be in order.

So a Joker from another incarnation is graveling in my ear “why be so serious?” and to that I say, “because I’ve been busy feeling all sorts of bad about all sorts of bad things, that’s why!” It really sunk in today that I’ve not been laughing too much of late, that everything has been very serious and do or die. Well I’m not dead so why not let go and step into being the me that doesn’t care who's watching when I sing or I dance or anything of the silly sort? I’ve come close to this ideal in the past and always draw back the toe from the scary water. But why the hell is this so scary? Does that matter? I think what matters is that I keep trying to dip my toe in the scary waters of freedom that includes singing and dancing.

If this post seems disjointed...it’s because it is. Why? Because I have Jokers wispering in my ears!

The Web

 

On a microcosmic level we connect to all we meet, or don’t necessarily meet but make eye contact with, or accidently touch when pushing our carts about the grocery store. But it’s the connections that quicken deep within, it’s those connections that are most advantages for growth and understanding. Only sometimes we get caught up in what becomes a need, a need to continue the connection even if it’s only meant as a moment, an exchange of energy that propels or seeds. Really that is all we are doing when we create connections, we are learning by feeling our way in the dark and if one is not listening to their intuition, it’s easy to lose yourself in said connection and inflating it in the process.

Anyone who knows me well knows I speak of me in that paragraph. I personalize most of my experiences. I feel the need to see the big picture and fool me into thinking this person fits into MY big picture. Well I’m off to meet the world and cannot afford this distortion in my field...so I will be taking a page out of T’s play book of detachment and find my way to not personalizing the web I create on my journey.

Love, Respect, Honor. This is my mantra moving forward into the world wide web. If I manage this, I will be armed with a tool that sieves my swirly twirly feelings about people down to a simple concept; love, respect, and honor all connections therefore side stepping the trap of being caught in a moment within the web, like a meal for negativity.

When one lingers when you KNOW you’ve gleaned all that was intended, you let go and move on, learn and thrive, and make magic and mayhem as you see fit.

I am solar powered

The clouds and chill have sunk into my body, mind, and even into my deep craggy bits leaving me sad and pained. When it was hot I was like the sunning serpent absorbing energy and feeling strong for it. Belize or really any sun soaked locales are calling me...I AM going to answer this call no matter how it plays out.

I’m in a slow and unrelenting state of detachment from all that I’ve known. Limitations of my own making are denied and no longer a part of my vernacular. All I see in my future is opportunity and fruition. I sense the youth in me that I quelled with pregnancy and self destruction swelling with optimism, hope, along with a massive scope of vision.

 My children are now grown and living the live intended and I relinquish control of my ideas of what I wanted for them. I no longer live my life through my loved ones believing I had the power to change within them what I most wanted to change about myself. This was nothing but a weapon of control that led to major mistakes and bitterness.

The setting free of me from all that I have been and done will be written in the pages of my book. Just as I announced to the world that my spinal surgery would change me to my core, I declare now to the Universe that I am ready to be in the here, the now, and the everything else.

My seeds of wisdom will be planted in the many that I meet with the hope that they will flourish to inspire and create a ever growing web of knowing. I will in turn expand my limited knowledge based on experience, only my experience. I want to meet Shamans, musicians, witches, magicians, bullshit artists, healers, dancers, killers, lovers. I want to be afraid and loved, free and restrained, broken down and built back up by all that I take in and that I give.

No limitations…nothing but finding the new, by the doing of.

Write, Release, Reclaim

The day before I found out I was denied SSI I had a wonderful day, one filled with magic and assurances that I am indeed on my path. I spent the morning walking, taking pictures and talking to trees, then in the afternoon had a pedi with the lovely Jana and have the brightest red on me toes, and I love it! I saw 5 blue herons fishing, two eagles playing midair, one peregrine soaring, and a kingfisher on a power line.   Anyone who knows me well knows I see animals as omens, as messengers and through them I KNEW that my life was finally beginning. So though I did have a mini breakdown yesterday morning…I bounced back due to the outstanding support of T (T stands for the crazy magical young man with the plan to get me to Belize!) and Terri. Oh and of course the natural world that speaks to me every time I bother to get out and listen.

And so to move forward I will be going on a writers retreat in September to finish my book in whatever form that may be. T is right in the fact that I have to just write it all out even if not all is intended on going into the final form, I need to release the pain inflicted and the afflictions it has manifested. To that end Terri is funding a trip for five days at Ocean Park staying in one of the cabins at Shakti Cove.

What makes this significant is that these cabins were renovated and operated for several years by my mother’s ex-partner Ina. She was my reluctant co-parent from 1^st grade till the day she died, and she died at the house that is part of the property of Shakti Cove. I have never stayed there and have only driven on the property to take a look around and say hi to the new cove keepers. They never know who I am as I did not keep close contact with Ina and didn’t even go to her memorial because I just could not face her death at the time. So I can think of no better place to commune with the past so I can proceed with my future.

As I write this “random” on my iTunes decided to be all timely and shit and play Stairway to Heaven, one of those songs I take to be an omen of good/bad tidings when I hear it on the radio. Today I swing the pendulum on the side of good tidings.

Start right now…right now

Those words have rung in my head ever since a psychic medium spoke them to me at a recent Reiki circle. Since that evening the lovely siren of synchronicity has been visiting me, she is making real my mere possibilities and I am of course fucking terrified for it. Me, myself, and my fear of success has caused ME more damage points than I can count and yet all that seems to be past the precipice now that I’ve met someone who appears to get it, yet not, yet fuck it, at least he knows people.

I fear this great shift in my life so much so that I’ve told very few about all the happenings in regards to a move that I only really allowed at the dream level. Of course this can’t be that easy for I am Michelle and nothing comes easy, except my appetite for cake, that comes as easy as oxygen. But I, like all good participants of the New Age am required to make a leap, but I hate fucking leaping, nothing makes a woman look more ridiculous than a leap! I mean unless you can turn that shit it into a fucking pirouette, the risks are far too fatal.

Okee…so I clearly fear MANY things but LOVE cake! Let’s move on.

So I’m moving to Belize (insert all sorts of provisos here____)!! First shall be a visit, then I come back for a wee spot (or two) of surgery cause evidently people walk, as in everywhere! That means I need my body to work better than it currently does, which is considerable better than before. And so then if I can manage to stay the fuck out of my own way, I will move by or right after the new year. Or rather, I will stay for an extended period of time because thanks to hope and shit, I can see me traveling the world.

As for the person I refer to above, well he really does get me because he is me in freaky ways. Before some of you say it, and you know who you are, this is not a love connection. We seem more of the same ilk and why we get each other so well. He has been to Belize, already has contacts and speaks to the dead, seriously best travel partner ever! Well, if you can get past the whole Knight of Cups thing, then yes, sure to be the best travel partner ever. Amend: I hope he is to be the best travel partner ever.

I have no details to offer but since I cannot keep my big mouth shut and I’m working on my leaping skillz, I am sure you will all be the 1st to know!