Holiday Sadness/Gladness

So yesterday was difficult just as it was certainly always going to be. Kassy got along fine both alone and with her brother Andrew and their family in Seattle. I assume Terri did the same in Colorado and so I wasn't even needed, but I am sure I was missed.

Being missed is far better thing than being needed. When it comes to love are we not in a far better position to love another if need doesn’t have a part in the play? This Christmas marks a moment in time for Terri, Kassy and I as the small family unit we once were, one that was necessary and in the end the healthiest separation I personally have ever witnessed, let alone participated in.

Today I feel the power of that moment and as I write this I am moved to flowing tears, not ones of sadness, but tears of gratefulness to these two wonderful people who I shared much with and were able to say respectful goodbye to a life of positivity and not one wrought with the pain of dysfunction. Ok, we had our moments (many), but that is not how I view our history from this pinpoint in the map.

As I make this decision to leave San Ignacio and move on to the sea, I do so knowing I passed the test of fear and doubt so that I can give love and respect to a life once lived and a new one unfolding before me with no regrets. I do of course possess an ache in my heart for missing those I love but knowing they are doing well…even without my magnificent micromanagement skills! 

The ocean is calling me

My love affair with San Ignacio is waning. The sites, the sounds, the smells, the food, the people…all have I taken in and now I feel done. It’s not just that the place is small and to be honest I have certainly not been upon all her streets, but I have come to realize this last night when I couldn’t sleep, that this is not my place to be. I came here because research revealed diversity and a jumping point for all the caves , temples and jungle. The thing is, these hold little interest for me…I want the ocean.

I also came because a friend talked it up but good and he was right, but for me its time to go. I do love me a catalyst and see how this all fell into place and why. It is not at all as planned or loosely imagined. But this is a good time to respect and honor the art of loving detachment. So I let go.

I have till the 1^st of January to figure this all out and I have no doubt I will. Seriously, I would like to sell most of the bullshit I brought and live as small as possible and just move about and stay in hostels. Maybe I am not quite ready for that health wise, but I can see it. I just need fucking wifi and I will feel safe. If I can touch the world I know I will be ok.

Though admittedly, I want to be a little unsafe, otherwise why fucking bother to come here!? What kind of explorer would I be if I didn’t catch a ride from people I don’t know but ‘feel’ I can take a chance on. Oh how I wish I had brought the big fucking backpack. But I was working from the mindset of needing things I find I have no need of. I only need a few changes of clothes and a bar of soap to wash them. I do need my lotions and potions, but otherwise I am good.

Maybe I should go back at 3 months just to rid me of all this shit brought. See my daughter and come back with realistic packing skills based upon my discovery that I am ready to be wild and free like I fantasied about, the sun kissed freckled faced writer explorer. 

Truth, Clarity, Love and Compassion

LETTING GO

Letting go does not mean to stop caring.

It means I cant do it for someone else.

Letting go is not cutting myself off.

It the realization I can’t control another.

Letting go is not to enable.

But to allow natural learning from natural consequences.

Letting go means admitting powerlessness.

Which means the outcome is not in my hands.

Letting go is not to try to change or blame another 

Its to make the most of myself. .

Letting go is not to fix, but to care about.

Letting go is not to fix, but be supportive.

Its not to judge, but allow another to be a human being.

Letting go is not being in the middle arranging the outcome.

But to allow others to effect their own destinies.

Letting go is not to be protective.

Its to permit another to face reality.

Letting go is not to deny, but to accept.

Letting go is not to nag, scold, or argue.

But to instead search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

Letting go is not to adjust everything to my own desires.

But to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.

Letting go is not to criticize or regulate anybody.

But to try to become what I can dream can be.

Letting go is not to regret the past.

But to grow and live for the future.

Letting go is to be fearless and live more.

Author Unknown

In the season of death and decay...I say goodbye

Lilith

Child of Light, Daughter of Darkness

According to ancient Sumerian history, Lilith is a wind spirit of the great Goddess Ninlil, Queen of Heaven, Lady of the Air, and Mother of the Moon. Ninlil bestowed the divine right of ruler ship in ancient Sumeria.

Lilith's flower was the Lily and the magical Lotus. In the beginning she represented the virgin (belonging to no man) aspect of the Triple Goddess. She stood upon the protection of lions and was Lady of the Beasts. The wisdom of the night Screech Owl was her companion. She is the instinctive soul of the living world.

As patriarchy took over the vast power of the Goddess, Lilith became legend in a dark fashion, reviled as a destroyer and seducer of men. Even as Inanna gave up the power of the Bird and Snake Goddess, so too did the symbol of a woman's power become the bed and the throne. Throughout history Lilith was the one who would not submit. Passed down from Sumeria, the Hittite Empire, Babylon to the Semitic peoples, she became the archetype of the dangerous woman who refused submission. She was vilified as Harlot, Serpent, Blood Sucker, Impure Female, Hag, Witch and Enchantress. Yet, in the beginning her epitaph was that of 'Beautiful Maiden'.

The Talmud, Zohar, and other Hebrew texts have centered upon Lilith as the mother of demons, beginning with her rejection of Adam in the Garden of Eden. Genesis holds 2 tales of creation, the first in Genesis 1 tell that male and female were created simultaneously out from the older view of Mother Earth and Father Sky. This first woman in Hebrew tradition is held as Lilith. She demanded equality, and to co-rule. She refused submission sexually, went to the center of the Garden and spoke the 'Ineffable Name of God', protecting her and allowing her to depart Eden. Adam complained.

God sent 3 angels; Senoy, Sansenoy, and Semangelof with an ultimatum that she return or 100 of her children would die each day. She accepted this rather than be subjugated. Thus the first woman created equal as a free spirit was condemned to survive in legend as the harlot, mating with demons and devils, birthing monsters. Rage and grief were hers. (This brought home the threat to any woman who might think of defying male authority.) After a time of grief Lilith made love to the Water Elementals bringing forth the 'sea of the unconsciousness which arises from the depths of feminine wisdom in our psyche'.

By the 19th Century Lilith became the archetype of the femme fatale, who men feared and loved. She, who had the power to destroy her lovers or prompt him to a new awareness of Life.

 

I found this in my files as I am attempting to do a cleanup of sorts. I wish I could tell you who wrote it or how accurate the research is, but I enjoy the simplicity of it and feel akin to its wisdom. I in many ways feel I am a Lilith and think it time to revisit this idea very closely. I am dabbling with the idea of going to La Push one more time before I leave for Belize, I need to say goodbye and do an epic death rite. This death rite is a long time in the coming and I cannot imagine a better place to say good-bye to the PNW. I really am going folks. One day soon this blog will be written from white sand beaches and the perspective of a new kind of crazy, Belizean Crazy. This should prove interesting!

This journey may be taken alone. I thought I would have friends at my side but more and more it seems this was the way it was always going to be. It may be why of recent that I have been left on my precipice alone to cope with loneliness, my refreshed pain in regards to my failed marriage to Terri, and of course my glorious Fae going to live in Seattle and learn about love, life, and all the in-betweens. So many goodbyes, so much inspiration, so very bi-polarized.

Going back to Lilith, I will NOT submit and never have to anything other than this one simple concept. I am indeed the Universes Bitch. So Universe, please open closed doors, part the waters, send out the invitations, because I’m on my way and I bring with me a dark love to share that spreads out like the night blooming honeysuckle.

Self Promotion via Ranting at it's Best

There is this guy, he is one of those last named Blair guys who make billions off their rags to riches stories proclaiming they possess the magic formula for success and if you follow this formula, you too will succeed! Fuck you, you fucking prat! Anyone offering you the keys to life’s success, is full of fucking bullshit. You possess the keys, you just have to find them and it's really fucking hard to do so.

As I write my memoir it has occured to me that I actually don't offer get riches or attainments, only a tangible prospect of surviving a horrible moment anyone reading my book might be stuck in. My book is about enduring this world, not making money off of it. I offer a way out of the depths of hellish experience into an understanding that we are all capable of redeeming any act we may have committed or heal the horrors inflicted upon us. Everyone can be a Queen or King of Transformation, you just have to make it through this moment.

My book is a cautionary tale of wisdom via doing things all the wrong way. No uplifting tale of success in the acquisition of funds that have no fucking meaning when you are a puddle in the corner rocking yourself in and out of this world just trying to find a tether to hold onto because you want nothing more than to slip into the depths that rest just behind you. I don’t have an app for that. I have a story that perhaps someone will read, find that it mirrors their experience, and will use the tale to find their own tether.

Also, my book is not for everyone. I wrote Killer Pregnancy #3 the other day and was actually taken aback at my own words, at how I used them, and the realization that not everyone will find those words as well placed as I do. But for those that do, I think they will find a comfort in them.

Ok enough with the grr, the soapbox, and the redundancy.


But look, even kitten Kali Ma is like "really?"

Blue Moon Lunacy

I’ve never seen the Blue Moon as being melancholy, but this Blue Moon energy has been kicking my ass and the ass of others in my circle of friends/family. Painful memories have been on the rise within me since December when I really started to delve deep into my origin story for my book. I'm not sure a day has gone by when I've not cried for all that has been, but in the last few days I've been given opportunity to cry cleansing tears due to old wounds being on the of mending side of things. Better place to be than to hold close ancient pain and allowing it to beat me like the submissive that I am not. I am grateful for the opportunity to reconcile with my loved one and am glad to not be missing him anymore.

But still I hear the Joker heckling in my ear “this town needs an enema!” and I will agree that I need a good cleanse; only I would prefer to do so via the nekkid lady spa in mugwort scented pools than water up my arse. I’ve never gone to the spa with intent before. I mean yes, I intended to cleanse my body but not with such a pointed objective as to release a this or a that.

Sweat, soak, and scrub away what ails, then off to my writing retreat at Shakti Cove on the 9^th. Whatever residual icks that linger about will be left at sea. I will be calling Ina my mom’s long dead partner and original owner of Shakti Cove to help me in my endeavor to write my book in those five days. I mean shit, it is MY story after all! Still, I think paranormal assistance may be in order.

So a Joker from another incarnation is graveling in my ear “why be so serious?” and to that I say, “because I’ve been busy feeling all sorts of bad about all sorts of bad things, that’s why!” It really sunk in today that I’ve not been laughing too much of late, that everything has been very serious and do or die. Well I’m not dead so why not let go and step into being the me that doesn’t care who's watching when I sing or I dance or anything of the silly sort? I’ve come close to this ideal in the past and always draw back the toe from the scary water. But why the hell is this so scary? Does that matter? I think what matters is that I keep trying to dip my toe in the scary waters of freedom that includes singing and dancing.

If this post seems disjointed...it’s because it is. Why? Because I have Jokers wispering in my ears!

The Web

 

On a microcosmic level we connect to all we meet, or don’t necessarily meet but make eye contact with, or accidently touch when pushing our carts about the grocery store. But it’s the connections that quicken deep within, it’s those connections that are most advantages for growth and understanding. Only sometimes we get caught up in what becomes a need, a need to continue the connection even if it’s only meant as a moment, an exchange of energy that propels or seeds. Really that is all we are doing when we create connections, we are learning by feeling our way in the dark and if one is not listening to their intuition, it’s easy to lose yourself in said connection and inflating it in the process.

Anyone who knows me well knows I speak of me in that paragraph. I personalize most of my experiences. I feel the need to see the big picture and fool me into thinking this person fits into MY big picture. Well I’m off to meet the world and cannot afford this distortion in my field...so I will be taking a page out of T’s play book of detachment and find my way to not personalizing the web I create on my journey.

Love, Respect, Honor. This is my mantra moving forward into the world wide web. If I manage this, I will be armed with a tool that sieves my swirly twirly feelings about people down to a simple concept; love, respect, and honor all connections therefore side stepping the trap of being caught in a moment within the web, like a meal for negativity.

When one lingers when you KNOW you’ve gleaned all that was intended, you let go and move on, learn and thrive, and make magic and mayhem as you see fit.

I am solar powered

The clouds and chill have sunk into my body, mind, and even into my deep craggy bits leaving me sad and pained. When it was hot I was like the sunning serpent absorbing energy and feeling strong for it. Belize or really any sun soaked locales are calling me...I AM going to answer this call no matter how it plays out.

I’m in a slow and unrelenting state of detachment from all that I’ve known. Limitations of my own making are denied and no longer a part of my vernacular. All I see in my future is opportunity and fruition. I sense the youth in me that I quelled with pregnancy and self destruction swelling with optimism, hope, along with a massive scope of vision.

 My children are now grown and living the live intended and I relinquish control of my ideas of what I wanted for them. I no longer live my life through my loved ones believing I had the power to change within them what I most wanted to change about myself. This was nothing but a weapon of control that led to major mistakes and bitterness.

The setting free of me from all that I have been and done will be written in the pages of my book. Just as I announced to the world that my spinal surgery would change me to my core, I declare now to the Universe that I am ready to be in the here, the now, and the everything else.

My seeds of wisdom will be planted in the many that I meet with the hope that they will flourish to inspire and create a ever growing web of knowing. I will in turn expand my limited knowledge based on experience, only my experience. I want to meet Shamans, musicians, witches, magicians, bullshit artists, healers, dancers, killers, lovers. I want to be afraid and loved, free and restrained, broken down and built back up by all that I take in and that I give.

No limitations…nothing but finding the new, by the doing of.

Write, Release, Reclaim

The day before I found out I was denied SSI I had a wonderful day, one filled with magic and assurances that I am indeed on my path. I spent the morning walking, taking pictures and talking to trees, then in the afternoon had a pedi with the lovely Jana and have the brightest red on me toes, and I love it! I saw 5 blue herons fishing, two eagles playing midair, one peregrine soaring, and a kingfisher on a power line.   Anyone who knows me well knows I see animals as omens, as messengers and through them I KNEW that my life was finally beginning. So though I did have a mini breakdown yesterday morning…I bounced back due to the outstanding support of T (T stands for the crazy magical young man with the plan to get me to Belize!) and Terri. Oh and of course the natural world that speaks to me every time I bother to get out and listen.

And so to move forward I will be going on a writers retreat in September to finish my book in whatever form that may be. T is right in the fact that I have to just write it all out even if not all is intended on going into the final form, I need to release the pain inflicted and the afflictions it has manifested. To that end Terri is funding a trip for five days at Ocean Park staying in one of the cabins at Shakti Cove.

What makes this significant is that these cabins were renovated and operated for several years by my mother’s ex-partner Ina. She was my reluctant co-parent from 1^st grade till the day she died, and she died at the house that is part of the property of Shakti Cove. I have never stayed there and have only driven on the property to take a look around and say hi to the new cove keepers. They never know who I am as I did not keep close contact with Ina and didn’t even go to her memorial because I just could not face her death at the time. So I can think of no better place to commune with the past so I can proceed with my future.

As I write this “random” on my iTunes decided to be all timely and shit and play Stairway to Heaven, one of those songs I take to be an omen of good/bad tidings when I hear it on the radio. Today I swing the pendulum on the side of good tidings.

Start right now…right now

Those words have rung in my head ever since a psychic medium spoke them to me at a recent Reiki circle. Since that evening the lovely siren of synchronicity has been visiting me, she is making real my mere possibilities and I am of course fucking terrified for it. Me, myself, and my fear of success has caused ME more damage points than I can count and yet all that seems to be past the precipice now that I’ve met someone who appears to get it, yet not, yet fuck it, at least he knows people.

I fear this great shift in my life so much so that I’ve told very few about all the happenings in regards to a move that I only really allowed at the dream level. Of course this can’t be that easy for I am Michelle and nothing comes easy, except my appetite for cake, that comes as easy as oxygen. But I, like all good participants of the New Age am required to make a leap, but I hate fucking leaping, nothing makes a woman look more ridiculous than a leap! I mean unless you can turn that shit it into a fucking pirouette, the risks are far too fatal.

Okee…so I clearly fear MANY things but LOVE cake! Let’s move on.

So I’m moving to Belize (insert all sorts of provisos here____)!! First shall be a visit, then I come back for a wee spot (or two) of surgery cause evidently people walk, as in everywhere! That means I need my body to work better than it currently does, which is considerable better than before. And so then if I can manage to stay the fuck out of my own way, I will move by or right after the new year. Or rather, I will stay for an extended period of time because thanks to hope and shit, I can see me traveling the world.

As for the person I refer to above, well he really does get me because he is me in freaky ways. Before some of you say it, and you know who you are, this is not a love connection. We seem more of the same ilk and why we get each other so well. He has been to Belize, already has contacts and speaks to the dead, seriously best travel partner ever! Well, if you can get past the whole Knight of Cups thing, then yes, sure to be the best travel partner ever. Amend: I hope he is to be the best travel partner ever.

I have no details to offer but since I cannot keep my big mouth shut and I’m working on my leaping skillz, I am sure you will all be the 1st to know!

I am Loved

I do feel loved but I also feel nervous this time around, Kassy is too and was not too thrilled with her for it. I need her to be a grownup though I understand that the delay was not conducive for healing. We were so ready to go and confident, but now she is echoing back to me my nervousness. It will be fine, but in the moment not helpful at all. I know she will garner the strength needed. Really I will be asleep or groggy most of the time and sure; she should go off and take care of college stuff in Seattle and yes, even look at prom dresses. Life does not pause just because I’m having surgery.

Jana came over on Tuesday for lunch and pedicures! But first before we left she gave me an amazing amethyst pendent. I’ve not taken it off since. The hospital will not let me wear it before surgery but at some point after, it could be put it back on. My intention is to have an altar of crystals (I will be imbuing intent into those crystals that I take with me) somewhere in my room so if anything, it can be there or in a small pouch I can hold next to my bed on that tray table thingy.

The new pendant is helping by bringing me back to center. I do not do well at staying there, but reminds me to look to my guardian; he will not let anything happen to me. I have to believe that I avoided some sort of something by not having surgery this last Monday. I see no lesson in this, not that would not be some sort of practice in patience in the face of delay. But I've been dealing with that very well for quite awhile now. This is in part why this surgery is so important, it’s a physical rebirth and I am READY to live a new life to match the new ME!

I just have to let go and let it be…but I am restless, so restless. In some perverse way I'm looking forward to the pain and sedation, just to free me from these relentless rampant thoughts. I know…I have issues. Fuck I hate feeling this weak, I’ve worked too fucking hard to be all fucking Zen to let it fall apart now. This is about being ready to go...I am motivated and keep getting the hand upon my head. This has been the case for YEARS now. For every physical victory, I've ended up injured and or insane. Chasing my tail, well this I’m fucking done with. Mind you this is much improved from the old me, but I feel it seeping into my psyche and this I will not fucking allow! There is loving peace and I get it, but there is also the peaceful warrior who fights for what they want because there is NO other way for them, for me. I was never going to be anything but what I am.

 I am the Dark Messenger but also I am the Diamond Warrior. The ladder came recently in a healing session from my friend Jana. It is still unclear to me what it means to be such, but I am indeed a warrior, always have been. I understand the code and know for a fact I would die in defense of another, again I know NO other way. Time to live the code, not just speak of it and a new body is necessary for this. The energy for this healing will be like a domino effect falling through the shapes of a magical mandala so big it can only be seen from above. This is the higher work happening for me without my aid, but by those guides and beings that can see the mandala in its entirety. Perhaps they created it.

As I write this I know it to be true and am comforted in a way that no human being could have offered.

Breathing now….