Operation Michelle Gets Probed In All Her Private Bits Is A Go!

Soon I will be on very intimate terms with a few doctors and technicians as they take close examination of my breasts, vagina, and colon.

TMI-R-US right?  But I say, get over it. One of the reasons I'm blabbing about my volunteered probing is that it has come to my attention that many men and women speak not of these things and may even avoid important screenings because of a clear stigma and lets face it, not a fun time of it.

Personally, I care to know if my organs are acting up like bored children seeking attention. I demand to be on the need to know so that I may make  informative decisions whether to go the traditional route, or the alternative if something were to be found. We are active participants in our health, not passive passengers.

As a practice I choose to not take meds ALL the fucking time if I know I got this. I have healed me with the help of wonderful healers who taught me to take control of my wellness rather than continue viewing myself as sick and nothing more. I at one time refereed to myself as "a broken girl" or a "professional patient". Shit, talk about negative self talk and the in turn negative energy that was certainly called to me because of I clearly had a distorted self image.

The point of this blab fest is to suggest to men and women alike, that if you are due for screening tests, to partake so you have the knowledge needed to decide what, if anything must be done. Remember it's your body. Also, I think the telling of your experiences spreads a kind of comfort on such subject matter leaving the stigmas to die on the vine.

I have had two pre-cancerous polyps in my colon in the last ten plus years. This is why I go through the less than pleasant prep for the screening, but I do it because if I hadn't, who knows how sick I would be now or in my near future. I go through this discomfort feeling grateful for knowing I am saying Fuck You to colon cancer!

So yea, get all your bits probed, then have a drink to celebrate having a clean screen!

Are You Fucking Kidding Me? Yes, It IS In The Stars That Life Sucks Of Late!

Miss me??

Well I have been a bit busy with ending friendships, letting go of ills my mothers beget upon me, and a general magical letting goes...all around!

I am linking some astrological website to those that wish to understand what the FUCK is happening these days! There is indeed a reason and I'm a firm believer in being armed and prepared. This time the weapon of choice, astro info galore!

Be sure I have shit to say, I just am still reeling from the Blood Moon to Samhain, and now we have a big day with the New Moon and a very interesting eclipse of the Sun!

Happy, Happy...Joy, Joy!

This is the big event tomorrow...
http://www.mysticmamma.com/solar-eclipse-new-moon-in-scorpio-november-3rd-2013/

More on tomorrow...
http://mooncircles.com/scorpio-new-moon-honoring-darkness/

This is an ongoing punch in the gut...
http://www.moonkissd.com/2013/10/18/checking-in-with-the-uranus-pluto-square/

More on the punch....
http://www.mysticmamma.com/the-theme-for-november-2013-is-discipline/

And just in case you didn't get the point...
http://www.mysticmamma.com/pluto-uranus-square-november-1st-2013-mindful-breaking-through/

So I believe I have overwhelmed and given far too much info for anyone person, but hopefully one or more will talk each of you that read this for again, a far better understanding of exactly how fuck we actually are.

Oh, I'm just kidding, we are not fucked, we are challenged and if taken in and used properly, we can rise just like a bad ass phoenix...just to do it all over again. Oh and if you are looking to get a reading, I am still doling out the 25.00 for 30 mins deal!

"Doubt begets all sorts of ill begotten self-destructive doings..."

 The fog that has settled here in the PNW is eking into my mind. Not helped by long delays in getting money settled and a knee injury from earnestly practicing yoga and belly dancing. The cycles of these nonmoving events boggle. I feel a slipping that I know so well and have to let go into, but the hypo-mania was far too short and it did nothing for my disordered eating. I can usually count on mania being a wonderful equalizer when it comes to all my binges. This time I’m left wanting.

When I find myself here, I wonder each time, how am I going to make it? But in the last three years I’ve been feeling the deep sting of aloneness. There is simply no one for me to tether to and ache for it so. It isn’t like I lack awareness of being alone when balanced for a second or the longer standing mania, but obviously depression blatantly reminds.

Mystifyingly, I find me falling for domestication. I left behind the consumer in me, the one that must have fucking Cost Plus snowflakes because seemed styled just for me. I want to gobble them all up and put it in the holiday bins for future usage. I want to cook turkey dinner, pumpkin bread, and lots of soup. But again this is not the new Michelle; this is just the filler that I’m filling me with because I’m empty.

Came to me like a shock that this is THE issue. Yes, there’s a new Michelle but her identity is in flux, in the embryonic empty stage leaving me vulnerable to the influence of doubt. Doubt begets all sorts of ill begotten self-destructive doings, which I already hold expert level like prowess. I don’t need outside pressures to catapult me down this well-known path. The “fuck it” moment becomes so doable on this path, which unfortunately “fuck it” begets “why bother?”  I’ve spoken already of the redundancy of suicidal ideology, but as I feared, the stealthy storm of depression simply follows its path of ‘being’, and I simply am the passenger waiting out the storm.

I wrote this yesterday and paused in its publication because I knew I might regret this pouring out, of what amounts to…self-pity. Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t, but I know that today I am tired of being mired. So I start doing what I can do, what I do have control of despite the arrival of limitations.  Like for instance, I can walk. Oh how it’s going to be a freezing affair, but I had to my chance to walk in the sun, and chose self-pity instead. So this is what I get for not finding a way before this, a bloated gut and a frozen atmosphere.

Eat My Way Back To Death...Yoga My Way To Knee Injury

 This eating disorder thing is prevalent so soon after having lost so much, that to have gained so much back again, is a pain I cannot bear any longer. I do not want to eat in quantity, and yet in a state repulsive awareness, I compulsively continue as though possessed. Food is a necessity; and so this is where drug and or alcohol addiction part ways.  But after recently speaking with a 20 year sober AA participant, came to realize that addiction is indeed fucking addiction. Only again, you do not require heroin to sustain life.

I recently start yoga after a long absence. Body and mind has loved me for it, my knee however is not pleased at all. But this was certainly not going to stop me so I got my flexible band/brace out to support the knee and was icing when necessary.

Then yesterday happened. We have very steep stairs to the finished basement and where my room dwells. Going down the steep and narrow stairs my large booted feet stepped down awkwardly but my nifty cat-like reflexes moved into action grapping the railing. I would have fallen a long and hard into the litter box, still I stumbled hard in the knees and now my right knee declares it officially injured. This makes me very fucking irked, reminding me of a pattern that plagues my attempts at psychical exercise beyond walking, which then leads to the rapid cycling of intense moods of all sorts.

Eating disorder 101: knee injury begets binge eating.  The cycle of stress inducing food frenzy is clear, what is not, is a way the fuck out of the pattern. I am not a 12 stepper, I fundamentally disagree with nearly all the steps as I do not believe in giving up power to any one thing. Yes yes yes…I let go and allowed my bipolar to be what it is rather than trying to make it be like everyone else thought it ought to be…something to be controlled. But this is not something I want a part of me, I do not wish it a home within and therefore must be expunged.  This is how my mind functions; get the fuck out since you serve NO purpose!

My eating disorder is learned behavior and therefore I know can be rewired. I have successfully managed this with many other nasty aspects/demons deeply settled in my subconscious; I can kill this off as well. Really this rearing of ugly heads is timely, the shit and muck we wish not to face bubbles up when we are ready, even if we feel otherwise.

This is where I’m at, the in your face ‘deal with it and stop being a pussy’ stage of transforming eating disorder into health consciousness. Take into myself eating mindfully of the global impact of food distribution, not just my impulses towards corn chips. I am what I eat, so I must stay aware of the cells taking up temporary residency in my liver and other organs. I must alter my relationship with food. Right now I am wounding myself to new self-destructive glorious heights because…fuck I don’t know, a plethora of reasons I’m sure.

What I can assert…Namaste Fucking Eating Disorder…you are SO fucking out of here!!

Fuck The Divine Feminine, The Divine Masculine Is Bleeding Out On Our Fucking Stilettos.

Attempts at writing today are futile as I took many drugs to rid me of a migraine. Which has work moderately but it has rendered me dull and boring. Still I have thoughts on how we should be focusing on the Divine Masculine as that energy force is all fucked up and in deep need of healing.

In my opinion, this is the core and if we can heal the masculine energy...then we can come cycle back into a place of equality, but as long as there be battle, there be casualties. I would like to see in my lifetime a transformation of all human beings into a state of respect, honor, and love.

Yes, I love the honor code of the warrior and well, we women have need to engage and embrace our male. Denying is as futile as my creativity today. The point is that men need to embrace their feminine and women need to embrace their masculine. Then we get that neato yin/yang thing going on.

Oh and don't go thinking it is the male that is darkness, oh no. Any pagan will tell you that when you light candles to represent the God and the Goddess, it is black for the girls and white for the boys. We women are of the dark womb, we understand death as we have the power to give birth to it. But we need be fertilized, now don't we? that is why God is light, he is life. He is the Sun and we are the Moon. This is a global knowing that most just don't want to see.

But it is time. If truly a healer, then you must understand the value of healing men. We are all human animals in need of healing/balancing and I look forward to having relations with a man on that level.

No matter what, know that the Divine Masculine is indeed bleeding out and we need to triage that shit! We were the funerary priestesses that washed the bodies of the dead in preparation of the pire. Men walked away as they could not face their fallen. We anointed the bodies as we would our freshly born babes. We understand the cycle of life, death, and rebirth in ways men do not, so why not show them? As we are upon a double edged sword, why not let go into our warrior spirit allowing us to forge forward...together.

Ok well I am not going to edit this, it is what it is. My brain is that of pudding (chocolate if you were wondering) and so thoughts expressed are either profound, or likely gibberish. You decide.