Holiday Sadness/Gladness

So yesterday was difficult just as it was certainly always going to be. Kassy got along fine both alone and with her brother Andrew and their family in Seattle. I assume Terri did the same in Colorado and so I wasn't even needed, but I am sure I was missed.

Being missed is far better thing than being needed. When it comes to love are we not in a far better position to love another if need doesn’t have a part in the play? This Christmas marks a moment in time for Terri, Kassy and I as the small family unit we once were, one that was necessary and in the end the healthiest separation I personally have ever witnessed, let alone participated in.

Today I feel the power of that moment and as I write this I am moved to flowing tears, not ones of sadness, but tears of gratefulness to these two wonderful people who I shared much with and were able to say respectful goodbye to a life of positivity and not one wrought with the pain of dysfunction. Ok, we had our moments (many), but that is not how I view our history from this pinpoint in the map.

As I make this decision to leave San Ignacio and move on to the sea, I do so knowing I passed the test of fear and doubt so that I can give love and respect to a life once lived and a new one unfolding before me with no regrets. I do of course possess an ache in my heart for missing those I love but knowing they are doing well…even without my magnificent micromanagement skills! 

The ocean is calling me

My love affair with San Ignacio is waning. The sites, the sounds, the smells, the food, the people…all have I taken in and now I feel done. It’s not just that the place is small and to be honest I have certainly not been upon all her streets, but I have come to realize this last night when I couldn’t sleep, that this is not my place to be. I came here because research revealed diversity and a jumping point for all the caves , temples and jungle. The thing is, these hold little interest for me…I want the ocean.

I also came because a friend talked it up but good and he was right, but for me its time to go. I do love me a catalyst and see how this all fell into place and why. It is not at all as planned or loosely imagined. But this is a good time to respect and honor the art of loving detachment. So I let go.

I have till the 1^st of January to figure this all out and I have no doubt I will. Seriously, I would like to sell most of the bullshit I brought and live as small as possible and just move about and stay in hostels. Maybe I am not quite ready for that health wise, but I can see it. I just need fucking wifi and I will feel safe. If I can touch the world I know I will be ok.

Though admittedly, I want to be a little unsafe, otherwise why fucking bother to come here!? What kind of explorer would I be if I didn’t catch a ride from people I don’t know but ‘feel’ I can take a chance on. Oh how I wish I had brought the big fucking backpack. But I was working from the mindset of needing things I find I have no need of. I only need a few changes of clothes and a bar of soap to wash them. I do need my lotions and potions, but otherwise I am good.

Maybe I should go back at 3 months just to rid me of all this shit brought. See my daughter and come back with realistic packing skills based upon my discovery that I am ready to be wild and free like I fantasied about, the sun kissed freckled faced writer explorer. 

Truth, Clarity, Love and Compassion

LETTING GO

Letting go does not mean to stop caring.

It means I cant do it for someone else.

Letting go is not cutting myself off.

It the realization I can’t control another.

Letting go is not to enable.

But to allow natural learning from natural consequences.

Letting go means admitting powerlessness.

Which means the outcome is not in my hands.

Letting go is not to try to change or blame another 

Its to make the most of myself. .

Letting go is not to fix, but to care about.

Letting go is not to fix, but be supportive.

Its not to judge, but allow another to be a human being.

Letting go is not being in the middle arranging the outcome.

But to allow others to effect their own destinies.

Letting go is not to be protective.

Its to permit another to face reality.

Letting go is not to deny, but to accept.

Letting go is not to nag, scold, or argue.

But to instead search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

Letting go is not to adjust everything to my own desires.

But to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.

Letting go is not to criticize or regulate anybody.

But to try to become what I can dream can be.

Letting go is not to regret the past.

But to grow and live for the future.

Letting go is to be fearless and live more.

Author Unknown