I am Loved

I do feel loved but I also feel nervous this time around, Kassy is too and was not too thrilled with her for it. I need her to be a grownup though I understand that the delay was not conducive for healing. We were so ready to go and confident, but now she is echoing back to me my nervousness. It will be fine, but in the moment not helpful at all. I know she will garner the strength needed. Really I will be asleep or groggy most of the time and sure; she should go off and take care of college stuff in Seattle and yes, even look at prom dresses. Life does not pause just because I’m having surgery.

Jana came over on Tuesday for lunch and pedicures! But first before we left she gave me an amazing amethyst pendent. I’ve not taken it off since. The hospital will not let me wear it before surgery but at some point after, it could be put it back on. My intention is to have an altar of crystals (I will be imbuing intent into those crystals that I take with me) somewhere in my room so if anything, it can be there or in a small pouch I can hold next to my bed on that tray table thingy.

The new pendant is helping by bringing me back to center. I do not do well at staying there, but reminds me to look to my guardian; he will not let anything happen to me. I have to believe that I avoided some sort of something by not having surgery this last Monday. I see no lesson in this, not that would not be some sort of practice in patience in the face of delay. But I've been dealing with that very well for quite awhile now. This is in part why this surgery is so important, it’s a physical rebirth and I am READY to live a new life to match the new ME!

I just have to let go and let it be…but I am restless, so restless. In some perverse way I'm looking forward to the pain and sedation, just to free me from these relentless rampant thoughts. I know…I have issues. Fuck I hate feeling this weak, I’ve worked too fucking hard to be all fucking Zen to let it fall apart now. This is about being ready to go...I am motivated and keep getting the hand upon my head. This has been the case for YEARS now. For every physical victory, I've ended up injured and or insane. Chasing my tail, well this I’m fucking done with. Mind you this is much improved from the old me, but I feel it seeping into my psyche and this I will not fucking allow! There is loving peace and I get it, but there is also the peaceful warrior who fights for what they want because there is NO other way for them, for me. I was never going to be anything but what I am.

 I am the Dark Messenger but also I am the Diamond Warrior. The ladder came recently in a healing session from my friend Jana. It is still unclear to me what it means to be such, but I am indeed a warrior, always have been. I understand the code and know for a fact I would die in defense of another, again I know NO other way. Time to live the code, not just speak of it and a new body is necessary for this. The energy for this healing will be like a domino effect falling through the shapes of a magical mandala so big it can only be seen from above. This is the higher work happening for me without my aid, but by those guides and beings that can see the mandala in its entirety. Perhaps they created it.

As I write this I know it to be true and am comforted in a way that no human being could have offered.

Breathing now….