Write, Release, Reclaim

The day before I found out I was denied SSI I had a wonderful day, one filled with magic and assurances that I am indeed on my path. I spent the morning walking, taking pictures and talking to trees, then in the afternoon had a pedi with the lovely Jana and have the brightest red on me toes, and I love it! I saw 5 blue herons fishing, two eagles playing midair, one peregrine soaring, and a kingfisher on a power line.   Anyone who knows me well knows I see animals as omens, as messengers and through them I KNEW that my life was finally beginning. So though I did have a mini breakdown yesterday morning…I bounced back due to the outstanding support of T (T stands for the crazy magical young man with the plan to get me to Belize!) and Terri. Oh and of course the natural world that speaks to me every time I bother to get out and listen.

And so to move forward I will be going on a writers retreat in September to finish my book in whatever form that may be. T is right in the fact that I have to just write it all out even if not all is intended on going into the final form, I need to release the pain inflicted and the afflictions it has manifested. To that end Terri is funding a trip for five days at Ocean Park staying in one of the cabins at Shakti Cove.

What makes this significant is that these cabins were renovated and operated for several years by my mother’s ex-partner Ina. She was my reluctant co-parent from 1^st grade till the day she died, and she died at the house that is part of the property of Shakti Cove. I have never stayed there and have only driven on the property to take a look around and say hi to the new cove keepers. They never know who I am as I did not keep close contact with Ina and didn’t even go to her memorial because I just could not face her death at the time. So I can think of no better place to commune with the past so I can proceed with my future.

As I write this “random” on my iTunes decided to be all timely and shit and play Stairway to Heaven, one of those songs I take to be an omen of good/bad tidings when I hear it on the radio. Today I swing the pendulum on the side of good tidings.

Start right now…right now

Those words have rung in my head ever since a psychic medium spoke them to me at a recent Reiki circle. Since that evening the lovely siren of synchronicity has been visiting me, she is making real my mere possibilities and I am of course fucking terrified for it. Me, myself, and my fear of success has caused ME more damage points than I can count and yet all that seems to be past the precipice now that I’ve met someone who appears to get it, yet not, yet fuck it, at least he knows people.

I fear this great shift in my life so much so that I’ve told very few about all the happenings in regards to a move that I only really allowed at the dream level. Of course this can’t be that easy for I am Michelle and nothing comes easy, except my appetite for cake, that comes as easy as oxygen. But I, like all good participants of the New Age am required to make a leap, but I hate fucking leaping, nothing makes a woman look more ridiculous than a leap! I mean unless you can turn that shit it into a fucking pirouette, the risks are far too fatal.

Okee…so I clearly fear MANY things but LOVE cake! Let’s move on.

So I’m moving to Belize (insert all sorts of provisos here____)!! First shall be a visit, then I come back for a wee spot (or two) of surgery cause evidently people walk, as in everywhere! That means I need my body to work better than it currently does, which is considerable better than before. And so then if I can manage to stay the fuck out of my own way, I will move by or right after the new year. Or rather, I will stay for an extended period of time because thanks to hope and shit, I can see me traveling the world.

As for the person I refer to above, well he really does get me because he is me in freaky ways. Before some of you say it, and you know who you are, this is not a love connection. We seem more of the same ilk and why we get each other so well. He has been to Belize, already has contacts and speaks to the dead, seriously best travel partner ever! Well, if you can get past the whole Knight of Cups thing, then yes, sure to be the best travel partner ever. Amend: I hope he is to be the best travel partner ever.

I have no details to offer but since I cannot keep my big mouth shut and I’m working on my leaping skillz, I am sure you will all be the 1st to know!

I am Loved

I do feel loved but I also feel nervous this time around, Kassy is too and was not too thrilled with her for it. I need her to be a grownup though I understand that the delay was not conducive for healing. We were so ready to go and confident, but now she is echoing back to me my nervousness. It will be fine, but in the moment not helpful at all. I know she will garner the strength needed. Really I will be asleep or groggy most of the time and sure; she should go off and take care of college stuff in Seattle and yes, even look at prom dresses. Life does not pause just because I’m having surgery.

Jana came over on Tuesday for lunch and pedicures! But first before we left she gave me an amazing amethyst pendent. I’ve not taken it off since. The hospital will not let me wear it before surgery but at some point after, it could be put it back on. My intention is to have an altar of crystals (I will be imbuing intent into those crystals that I take with me) somewhere in my room so if anything, it can be there or in a small pouch I can hold next to my bed on that tray table thingy.

The new pendant is helping by bringing me back to center. I do not do well at staying there, but reminds me to look to my guardian; he will not let anything happen to me. I have to believe that I avoided some sort of something by not having surgery this last Monday. I see no lesson in this, not that would not be some sort of practice in patience in the face of delay. But I've been dealing with that very well for quite awhile now. This is in part why this surgery is so important, it’s a physical rebirth and I am READY to live a new life to match the new ME!

I just have to let go and let it be…but I am restless, so restless. In some perverse way I'm looking forward to the pain and sedation, just to free me from these relentless rampant thoughts. I know…I have issues. Fuck I hate feeling this weak, I’ve worked too fucking hard to be all fucking Zen to let it fall apart now. This is about being ready to go...I am motivated and keep getting the hand upon my head. This has been the case for YEARS now. For every physical victory, I've ended up injured and or insane. Chasing my tail, well this I’m fucking done with. Mind you this is much improved from the old me, but I feel it seeping into my psyche and this I will not fucking allow! There is loving peace and I get it, but there is also the peaceful warrior who fights for what they want because there is NO other way for them, for me. I was never going to be anything but what I am.

 I am the Dark Messenger but also I am the Diamond Warrior. The ladder came recently in a healing session from my friend Jana. It is still unclear to me what it means to be such, but I am indeed a warrior, always have been. I understand the code and know for a fact I would die in defense of another, again I know NO other way. Time to live the code, not just speak of it and a new body is necessary for this. The energy for this healing will be like a domino effect falling through the shapes of a magical mandala so big it can only be seen from above. This is the higher work happening for me without my aid, but by those guides and beings that can see the mandala in its entirety. Perhaps they created it.

As I write this I know it to be true and am comforted in a way that no human being could have offered.

Breathing now….

The Fiery Flame of Rebirth/The Stone Faces of Reverence

Ever the Bipolar am I! This entry was not intended to have such juxtaposition! My hope that it still possesses a sense to it, but I can live with it just being what it is, very me indeed!

I was going to stay silent about the terrorist attacks of 9/11 because I no longer “feel” it, or at least not the way I once did. Feeling unclear as I did, not having an opinion, I wasn’t going to add to the static.

The reason I had a change of perspective? I was shown one via an oracle card. Leave it to my love of divination and guidance to open my eyes to what I have been feeling all along…that this is about death.

Set aside everything else, take it right to its core, we are talking about death. Not just any death, the death of many in unimaginable ways. This was the perfect act of terror because the form of the death was that of a horror movie. When I think upon 9/11…this is what I remember. I care not about the politics, yes it is indeed a horrible thing how these deaths were used to further this countries, already well in place agenda, but that does not erase that many died a horrifying death. So I set all that static aside to remember and honor death of the many and their families left behind.  

The card I pulled is The Phoenix. Its key words are: resurrection, surrender to change.

So this is my moment to honor the lives lost, just simply put,  people where subjected to a terrifying death but I find comfort in that they were released to be….what ever it was they decided to transform into next. Life, their lives as well as deaths were intended to teach lessons in the intricate web we all interconnect with, to surrender to this change brings some sort of enlightenment.

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Just now whilst writing this blog entry, a sound shook our house in the form of a massive motorcycle caravan rumbling by. Outside my large picture window rode an endless sea of motorcycles of all sorts, even a few crotch rockets. Many had American Flags on their bikes, some had women riding on the back taking pictures, but they all shared the stone face of reverence.

Here is the picture I took. I will admit to being easily moved by this sort of display of unity for any cause. It’s an energy thing. I feel what they believe in, and when its of this magnitude…its a beautiful thing.

Tomorrow I will celebrate the Harvest Moon. I will ponder, reap, lament, and honor the coming death of Summer, of plants that brought us our bounty. I keep thinking there be a link, a connect back to the events of 9/11, but that’s when I get lost in the hurricane energy of pain. Perhaps someone less empathic can see the interconnective threads into the web and how it must have impacted the collective, on the side of the positive.

On a sunny day like today, like it was that day as well, The Sun is the symbol of life. And so I come full circle. Life, Death, Rebirth.

Musical Appreciation Gone Wild

I always say I have no real form of escapism, I said this just day or so ago. But I’m chock full of bullshit and falsehoods, and this be but one.

I escape deeply into music. I waste away hours listening to my iPod. Sometimes it requires ear buds so music can fuse with me, where I get lost in my stories yet to be written. Then at times I want to hear the world and the world to hear my music, so I play it on my iPod player…loud! I have found there is a kind of cycle as to which way I go with my insatiable listening habit. Oh and a habit it is.

When I look at my bank statement online this “habit” glares at me in the form of numerous debits. My addiction sings as clearly as Florence and the Machine or who ever is my current obsession.  

See, I get bored. I repeat new songs till love nearly turns into loathe. So off to the store I go. The iTunes store that is. I’m in love with the journey through iTunes finding independent music so few are listening to. Finding these gems I tell myself I’m supporting the little independent guy, and yes this be true, but I’m also feeding my “need” for new music, my musical fix.

The lusty need began at the New Year, in this pondering I see an intersecting of my sexuality blossoming via belly dancing, with my “Musical Appreciation Gone Wild”. If I were to look back and see the total cost of this fetish, I would cringe at the magnitude of it all.

My confession is really to be writing…you know anything to dance around the large block to accessing the writing you ought to be doing. But it’s also about coming clean, that I do possess “things”, including but not limited to escapism.

As to my other “things”, you really will have to wait for my book. You know, when I write it.

P.S. I would love to hear some juicy confessions! You know I heard something about it being good for the soul and yes, I'm feeling awfully Catholic today. What's up with that??

Of Light, Shadow, and Scar Tissue

I am the Illustrated Woman with my byways comprised of connective scar tissue, a mapping of a life lived.  I can package well enough, but the underneath of me, what I hide so well, that’s the map I speak of. It’s only tissue but it tells the tale of what I am without wordy language, and it speaks louder than I do.

I wish my body told a tale that I was proud of, but it doesn’t. So I will tell my tale with a humor that I only in the last few years have found buried deep. This humor, this admittedly dark humor is how I will heal the deeper scar tissue. The surface of me will only deepen in appearance, which I will learn to live with, but I can retrace my byways and find a way to connect to others.

So I declare me a storyteller here and now with the intent of healing the shadows I/we all have within us. The neglected aspects that without love and acknowledgement fester into entity like beings only wanting our attention.   

The Grrr, The Arrgg and the Wonderful of Being an Empath

I recently had a conversation on Facebook about being an empath and asked what others thought an empath was. I was only answered back by the woman who wrote the post asking who all was an empath. So now I take this and other questions to all of you that find your way to my blog and read me ramblings.

What do you think an empath is? If you’re an empath, what does that mean to you? How goes this gift/curse in your life? Has it eased your path or hindered it? Do you think that people confuse empathy with sympathy? Think I asked enough questions? Cause I can do more, seriously.

Being an empath for me is not just about what I “feel” from others, but what others sense about me, and that is the fact that they can confide in me. Being an empath and a confidant has always gone hand in hand ever since I was a wee lass. I often heard "I have no idea why I'm telling you this". Well I had no idea how I managed to have answers! I was rather young and adults were doing the confiding and though I could “see” a snapshot of them and somehow had the right thing to say, it still made for very uncomfy moments in my preteens.

Empathy and being an empath are kissing cousins but may not be the same thing. As an empath I use empathy to access my more expansive skill of “reading” people…that snapshot thing I mentioned earlier. It’s the foundation for my tarot readings and really most of my dealings. I truly am a person who bases decisions on what I “feel”, not what’s logical and sound. Having a mood disorder makes this tricky.

It may be obvious or not…that I feel at times this “gift” may be more “curse” in how it has impacted my path, how it has at times felt to be a hindrance and how being bipolar only amplifies this all. And so, when I’m able to utilize my empathic nature to help others, it be a gift. When I’m overwhelmed by knowing what others hide or do not see and oh so not wanting to be privy to so, then it be a curse.

Yes, I do think empathy is often confused with sympathy and this only because of those manners we were taught. Those empty I’m sorry/s we dole out liberally these days. In order to be empathetic, you need to see the person on a whole, the info that is all there to be observed. If you do not take that moment to really try to understand, then you are not empathizing, you are sympathizing. Which in my opinion, is as empty as asking “how are you” and are put out when someone actually does tell you! But you know, this is my opinion, which I use not sparingly at all.

Well there be my uneven post about empathy! Circumventing just one meandering path in the map of how my brain works. Is that “in the map”, or “on the map”? So not a map person and unclear as to why I’m writing in pirate speak.