Waiting is not my strong suit. Patience is not in my vernacular.
Even with a knowing that I would indeed wait with no patience for it at all, I
still fell into a puddle in the basement, in my bed, with my iPod firmly linked
to my brain. It’s my new coping tool…do nothing but listen to music and figure out
the mysteries of the Universe. One day I just know this will be of consequence,
for now it feels like limbo on steroids.
Oh and have I figured some big shit out! But it’s as per the
usual, hard to put into words readable by other, you know, humans. But I will
tell Jana all about it and she will figure out the little tidbits that sound
insane to me and make a sense of it. I do so love her for that. I need a
decoder ring sometimes and she can be that for me and for this gift I want to
kidnap her and take her with me…plots have plotted.
The one thing that is clear and easy to communicate is the
release of more control that I insist on attempting even when I know there is
nothing for it. I watched me fall into the puddle from an outside place and
wondered why I was bothering. It seemed out of date and rather redundant. Still
I did it for I had no other avenue at the moment to flow my inertia upon. I
mean what do you do with suspension other than get comfy cause its fucking
happening.
So this time I paid painful attention to every infliction
and regret I set upon myself. I have it all stored up looking to never go into
repeat mode again. I know I can alter how I react to these moments. I mean I
did! Never did I go into the suicidal ideology moment, well not authentically.
I heard the words and they fell flat. It might actually now be boring to want to
die knowing I will never fucking actually do it. I live because I fucking
cannot allow me to die. That is a FACT, so why fight it. See…I am letting go.
Can I have my Love Cookie now?
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